Stream of Thoughts Practice, 24 June 2024, 8 Aqbal
Writing Process, Self-Love, Traveling, & Faith
who would I start becoming if I knew I wasn’t fighting?
if I wasn’t for a moment hiding from my Venus Rising?
It’s so interesting to me how my own Not-Self operates when my Soul is demanding change. I have been observing myself opening doors to new possibilities, new frequencies and energy pathways, and then resisting moving through them. Like this Substack for example. I can see the part of me that is in such resistance to sitting down and writing and sharing, writhing and screaming. In my imagination it erupts in tantrums, throws objects, bangs the floor. It goes to great lengths to avoid doing The Work. It hurts itself: acutely, overtly, over extended times, and covertly, to avoid doing The Work. And, I can’t blame It. This work is really uncomfortable. I look back on blocks of years of my adulthood to observe myself having gone to great violent lengths to avoid this Work. Ironically, even those rages were part of the Work too.
Wherever I have gone, there I was. As someone who has now been traveling for 10 years, and has been to 10 countries besides the one I was born into and given a natal citizenship with, I am still a “baby traveler” compared with many, especially those who were born in Europe. Yet, I have found that the whole “not having a home base” and “flying by the seat of my pants” factor is what is making mine a unique path.
Inevitably I find that the only option I have is to do what I am Contracted to do.
This writing will be meandering and unstructured, sort of a flowing stream of my consciousness, though I have gone back and done very minor edits.
It’s the waning moon, and I’m letting go.
I’ve taken to rejecting the use of the word “releasing,” as I am not re-leasing (borrowing again) these things; rather, I am placing them into the stream to be carried away, cleansed, and re-distributed.
Of course, all of the water on the planet is constantly being re-cycled.
Isn’t that amazing? Nothing new inside of our bubble, in matter or energy… only form and fashion.
*
It’s a deep and ultra-sensitive extraction, this process. It makes sense that I’ve tried to avoid it. I’ve never scuba-dove, but it feels like how I imagine that: there’s an immense, unnatural pressure in going this deep, and all of the danger that goes along with that. If we move downward, or even moreso back upward, too quickly, we’re liable to experience severe or mortal damage. However far we go into the depths, we must take as much care in coming out, and while we’re still under, to breathe.
Or maybe with less mortal risk, it feels like carving words into stone, requiring a patience that very few in this Gregorian 2024 timeline know. I wonder what I’d be writing if it took that long. It’s fair to say that everything on this page is comparably frivolous and unnecessary. How many fleeting thoughts are being recorded in bits and bytes and blipped across screens everywhere? It’s just another version of a crutch for Telepathy.
*
I’ve been observing myself carrying many bags and incredible amounts of weight. I look at myself in the reflection of dark windows. I am the Bag Lady. I’m wearing gifted Merino Wool and silver, but I’m also carrying a child’s backpack that I got from the free bin at the Homeless Shelter, and it reminds me of the backpack my ex-husband was carrying what anyone would identify as trash scraps in when the ambulance took him away during a methamphetamine overdose that I called in. I feel a twang of pain. I hear my internal voice, an intelligence that I have programmed, recite words it came up with itself:
“Cheryl Ruebner is my hero.”
“I want to be just like Cheryl Ruebner”
“Cheryl Ruebner is my favorite person in the world.”
Like a child who learns language and then volunteers its own thoughts, my own inner child has done this. The other day when these sentences came up, I was a bit shocked, like I’d heard a 3-year old say something way above the intelligence level they had demonstrated only yesterday. But I went with it. It’s my responsibility to feel these things about myself. This is what is meant by Self-Love.
It occurred to me that these phrases are also sentiments from the hearts of others.
I remember flashes of various people throughout my life as I’ve lived it so far, sharing these words and others like them with me.
I haven’t taken them well.
What is someone supposed to do with statements like these?
Well, in my current process, they are helping me to see that this body that I’m living in is important to many people, and to the Plan for All. My existence gives people hope and strength. The stories of my experiences, and my showing up to demonstrate what I’ve become and am becoming as a result of them, inspire people.
And yet, most of these folks don’t know anything about me. They don’t know about how I spent years doing almost everything I had access to kill my life.
It started really young: I remember beginning my physical self-injury around age 11. But the photos of myself as a child showed deep pain earlier, maybe at age 8 or 9.
Unraveling 30 years of underwater violence and pain is quite a task. And I’m not the only one, I know.
But I’ve been on a quest to do this work for some time.
Norms of Adventurer and Fantasy stories and games have been supporting me in this: it’s quite normal for a character in those stories to have no idea of where they’re going to be sleeping that night, for example.
I have to admit that this process of writing, for me, is partially also a process of my accepting that I am currently living in a story where everything about my path is so unpredictable that I cannot plan anything besides what I pack in what bag.
That’s my planning: I plan my pack and Goddess makes the track.
*
I’ve been avoiding sharing my actual process of thought, instead constructing artifice with my words. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, truly: artifice is just art. Anything except for Stream of Consciousness has some level of it, and even then, one can force a Stream, especially if there’s a goal in mind. Who knows what level of power the Subconscious and Unconscious minds hold over our demonstrations in the world? The more we tap in, the more we find. Eventually we need to come back to the surface.
My intention, though, is to continue to surrender, and lay my art at the feet of the Lady in Robes of Light &…. Dark? There’s a Lady in Light, and a Lady in Dark. The Light is made of Filaments, and the Dark is made of Smoke.
It occurs to me that this is one reason why smoke cleansing is actually a Dark Art. I’m not sure if people are aware of this. The Love & Light Only Crowd often uses tools and practices of Darkness without being aware that that is what they’re doing.
I’d like to get into these matters and conversations more. It comes up often enough.
*
I’ve recalled lately how I started Online Journaling about 25 years ago. I was one of the first. My parents put Internet in the house before, to my remembrance, any of the other kids in my grade. I was a Prodigy Classic kid. Prodigy Internet came next, and only after that did AOL become a thing. This isn’t a new game to me. But it feels new to me every day, and I feel like I’m still chipping away to create the foundation.
Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped so many times.
And so, it appears that to Keep Going is the way.
*
I’m in Copenhagen. An old dear friend has been using the word Walkabout to refer to my travel path, and this term feels the best to me, though I don’t know where I will end up, because I have no home to go back to. I’m very much carving my way as I go, and the path is requiring continuing commitment to Relentless Faith.
When I don’t have Faith, I remember I can ask the Divine for it. Mark Summer (the Sufi teacher of Heart of Business) taught me that: that I don’t have to manufacture Faith if I feel like it’s not in my heart at the moment. I can ask for it, and by the very act of asking, receive it.
It seems to me that this is what is meant by “ask and ye shall receive.” It doesn’t mean that if we ask for a certain 3D world thing that we’ll get it: that may or may not be for our Highest Good. But, if we ask for a Virtue inside of our hearts, then it will be given.
So, I ask for continuing Faith.
I ask for Peace, Gratitude, and Trust.
I ask for the Will to continue this Work.
It feels massively uncomfortable to be sharing this thread. It’s not constructed in the way I want to appear. It’s vulnerable and presents me as vulnerable imperfect.
I’m not trying to be anything.
I ask for Most High to destroy all of my illusions and remedy all of my defects of character. The latter is a standard request for folks in 12-step programs. It’s certainly a fair request.
*
If I were living exactly the life that I have always dreamed I would live, in this moment today right now, what would that mean?
If I were doing exactly what I would be doing if money were no object right now already, then what would that mean?
It seems it would mean that typing this very sequence of letters is my highest held desire.
And once it’s done, I set it on fire.
Think about it: all of the over the top suffering, restriction, desperation I’ve been through in the years that have led up to this moment have been so that I could be doing this, right here, right now.
In actuality, it’s true. I really just want to be writing, speaking, teaching, and singing. I like doing some other things too. But this is my calling.
I’m reminding myself of some bits of wisdom that have been given to me:
don’t worry about money. Just write. It’ll come.
don’t give a shit about what others are expecting from you. live your life as you are called to.
The Earth will take care of you. Just do your healing work.
So few even grok that this is a possible way to live.
I look back, though, and I see that I’ve been doing it. Somehow, I’ve had “just enough” to accomplish my tasks.
As I write those words my awareness notices the sound of the frequency in the air, one could say my expanding clairaudience sense.
I’ve just imagined a Servitor to fluff my heart chakra. I need all of the support I can get on this transition to the next level of expansion of my frequency.
I feel this channeling stream is over. Please be well, reader. I will meet you again as a different Me.